• Emily Rose Seeber and Elizabeth Bathurst

EndofTermitis


What is this strange disease? There are two primary forms of the condition which are known to medical professionals: psoitiosis and didaskus terminus. The former is generally found in adolescents and the latter is found in schoolmasters (more commonly known as teachers).

Psoitiosis is known to effect children from as young as eight, to the end of university (anything from twenty-one to thirty depending on how long it takes them to finish their undergraduate degree). The sufferer experiences exhaustion, partial deafness, insensitivity, inability to complete independent tasks, and extremely heightened emotions, as well as phantom symptoms such as dehydration, flu, dizziness, whooping cough, sore throat, and cramps. Best remedies include a cough sweet given out by a long suffering school nurse. The placebo effect is also an effective cure for the condition. The symptoms are never permanent. Psoitiosis can be easily alleviated by a visit to the sick bay in the student's least favourite lesson. The fail safe cure is the beginning of the summer holidays, or a day off/going abroad before the end of term so that parents can purchase more economical flights to the sunshine.

In contrast, didaskus terminus is a chronic condition, usually kept under wraps by long-suffering teachers. The adult sufferer is likely to experience severe exhaustion, a sore throat, mild alcoholism, hayfever, aching joints, exasperation, heightened emotions, and an extreme case of 'can't be arsed'. Unlike in the juvenile version, there are no phantom symptoms; each symptom intensifies as the end of term draws nearer and by the final hours can be extremely potent in their manifestation. The teacher tends to keep pre-holiday didaskus terminus private through copious amounts of self-medication and adrenaline until the final day of term. Medication can include anything from Berocca to ProPlus, Nurofen to single malt.

For these adult sufferers, didaskus terminus has a direct impact on their immune system as they move into the school holidays. The exact reasons for this are unknown, but it is suspected by medical professionals that the teacher's natural tendency towards self-depreciation is linked to the body's immune system which destroys itself utterly in the early part of any holiday. This may be a form of auto-immune disease, although this is a tentative assessment. Post-end of term didaskus terminus ensures that teachers are guaranteed to contract variations on the common cold, summer flu, or worse. To the sufferer, it can feel as if the world is ending. Conspiracy theorists believe that the government spikes the tea in the teachers lounge to ensure that staff do not enjoy their holidays and thus return to their underpaid, and under-appreciated profession in September.

Only time can alleviate the most prominent symptoms and retirement is the only permanent relief. Ultimately, however, there is no cure.

If you wish to donate to scientific research into the field of chronic didaskus terminus endoftermitis, please donate HERE. Contributions to the field of study around psoitiosis endoftermitis are welcome HERE.

Image credit: someecards

#humour #wellbeing #teacherlife

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© 2017 by Emily Rose Seeber.